I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
