So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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