the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
