I feel great
I just peed on a car
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
