I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
