i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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