I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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