Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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