My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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