I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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