my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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