smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
