She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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