wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just gift wrapped bread.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
