Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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