I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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