Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
