My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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