in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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