everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
