Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i now understand why vodka
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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