He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
