just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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