The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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