Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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