Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
