I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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