I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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