The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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