You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
