after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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