i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
