Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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