and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
