My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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