Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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