Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
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