I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
