Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
