ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
