Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
MIDGETS
????
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
