she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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