he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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