I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
