I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
