so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
