I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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