I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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