textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
