He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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