between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
